I just threw up on my dentist
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
