I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
