I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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