I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
