I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
