How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
