Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
