when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
