if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
