I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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