My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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