the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
