omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?