Whats the count minus fat chicks?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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