This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
