I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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