I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
