I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
