drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's blow job season.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
