Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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