I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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