Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
