I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
