It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
