Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Come see our sink grown plant.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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