Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize