he thought i was a dude.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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