Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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