She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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