It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
