This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
