Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i've created a new STD.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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