True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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