i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I forgot wine drunk hurts
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize