My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
