you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm lost and stupid without you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
