Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
