Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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