Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.