At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I sprained my soul last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian