i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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