I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
we're so committed to being not committed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
