i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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