I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.