You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
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The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy