I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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