You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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