i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
