she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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