Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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