No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
