hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
