I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
