I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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