My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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