I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
