just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He felt like a one man threesome
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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