Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
