You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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