I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I deserve to be covered in dicks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
