apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
